The words "Anger Management For Mums" flashed at me on the brochure in the Maternal and Child Health Centre. I grabbed the brochure & stuffed it in my bag before anyone could see me. It was a red brochure. Why red? Was that so that everyone would be able to see the people who had picked it up in their mother's groups? Thank goodness I wasn't with anyone. I pushed the brochure further down into the bag just in case it surfaced when I went to the shops later.
"Come on, let's get out of here." I said to my youngest.
I knew that I wasn't that angry, but still was it all right to scream like a banshee between 4 and 6 pm to 3 boys aged between 3 & 7. I know that there were a lot worse things that could be happening out there, but I also knew that there were a lot better things that could be happening. I wanted to find a way to stop that fire that built up inside me until I felt like getting one of the kids, it didn't matter which & throttling them. I knew it wasn't pc to talk about, but that was how I felt. I knew I couldn't throttle. I even knew that hitting wasn't ok, so all that was left was to scream. Once the screaming was done, I was like a wet rag all rung out. Nothing left except sorrow and remorse. All I could do was apologise for my terrible behaviour. I justified it with the fact that they were learning the full spectrum of emotion and that they would not be emotional cripples. Great! I knew I was wrong deep down, that screaming at the top of my lungs at them was not really doing anything.
I timidly booked into the course (with free childcare - whoopee!) ready to be lectured about my abhorrent behaviour. I expected there to be a bunch of really angry women there. What do really angry women look like? Wow! They just look like me, and you, and every other woman around me that I always see. It was the most empowering day of my life. There was understanding. There was nodding. There was sadness. There was a richness and most of all there were strategies, real life strategies on how to get through the anger.
The most important thing that I learnt from this was some words from the lady running the course.
When things are getting out of control, and they won't listen to you, or you feel angry, just slip their hand into yours, and remember that they are only this small once and your anger will melt away. They are just Little Things.
